Lovefool
by Sariyuki
Summary: Shounen ai. Gojyo Hakkai. Why is that "I love you" could be so hard to say?


Title: Lovefool  
Author: Sariyuki  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki. If I do, I wouldn't bother writing fanfictions for it, would I?  
Notes: My first ever 58 fic. And probably the last one. I feel so guilty doing this... *wince*   


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The night crept in and darkness was flowing unnoticed into the quiet village where Sanzo and the gang were resting in. 

It was after dinner that Gojyo went out from his room to seek solitude in the confine of the night under the starry sky. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes from his trousers' pocket and picked one nicotine stick. There was only a couple left. 

He smoked in solitude, he smoked alone. And Gojyo felt the night was being hard on him for some reasons. 

It wasn't that he minded being alone. He had always been alone all his life ever since his half brother saved his life and ran away. He had always managed to live by himself. No, he never minded being alone. 

But he felt lonely tonight. 

He sighed and cursed silently. 

//What am I hoping for?   
A falling star to grant me my stupid wish?// 

Such a stupid wish... to be noticed, to be cared about, to be missed when he wasn't around. But it was a stupid wish. Gojyo shook his head and smiled ruefully. 

He had managed this far. He didn't need anyone. He's perfectly fine all by himself. But one stupid smile and he fell for it. One fake smile and he never could get that face out of his mind. 

And he would trade all the girls that he could get for just one chance to be with this one person. 

A stupid wish, indeed. 

//Because he would never ever notice me.  
Not like the way I want him to notice me// 

The night rolled in and Gojyo's cigarette smoke hung tickly in the air. 

He shivered despite himself. Maybe I should bring my jacket out, thought Gojyo. But he was too lazy to get it from inside the inn. He seemed to have rooted in his current spot, smoking, thinking and being lonely. 

However, life did have some strange occurrences of its own. 

As if on cue, Hakkai appeared in front of him. On his right hand, he had Gojyo's jacket. 

Gojyo stared for a few seconds. The object of his thinking was now right in front of him. Then he realized that he's been gaping and closed his mouth. 

"You left this on the chair. You must be cold." 

Gojyo accepted the garment and grinned, "Yeah, thank you. Why haven't you slept?" 

Hakkai positioned himself next to Gojyo's spot on the wooden bench. Their hands were almost touching. Gojyo had to steel himself from moving his left hand to touch Hakkai's right hand. It was so close. He could feel its heat. 

"It's still too early to sleep." 

Gojyo stared unbelievingly, "But it's almost midnight!" 

Hakkai smiled, "I know. Why haven't you slept?" 

"Ch," Gojyo snorted. So typical of Hakkai, answering a question with a question. 

"I couldn't sleep."

Hakkai answered, "I see." 

Gojyo cast a sideway glance at the person beside him. Hakkai was staring ahead and seemed to enjoy the night scenery in front of him. The wind had ruffled his dark hair, creating a disarray effect on his appearance but strangely enough it made Hakkai looked even more beautiful than he already was. 

//I love you// 

Gojyo had to stop himself from saying it out loud. He cursed inwardly, took a deep breath and threw away the last remnants of his smoke. 

"What are you looking at?" he tried to converse. 

Hakkai smiled, "Nothing really interesting." 

And he had the fakest smile. The stupidest smile that Gojyo had never seen on someone else's face. No one should ever smile like that. No one should ever smile and look so sad. It was just plain stupid. Why would you smile if you're heart broken inside? thought Gojyo furiously. 

And it was so unfair too. Why did the fakest smile have to be the most beautiful smile at the same time? How could a person look so vulnerable as if only by touching him he would break into pieces? All of these filled Gojyo's mind and he felt like he was drunken. 

//I love you// 

A thousand "I love you"s, he had said and never meant them. A thousand lies he could say without turning a hair. Why would the weight of these three words seem to be pressing on him tonight? Why was that "I love you" could be so hard to say? 

It was stupid. He would never look at me that way, Gojyo thought bitterly. Three years of living together with me, I would know it if he had looked at me that way. Three years of living together and I meant nothing more than a friend to him. 

"Ch!" 

Hakkai turned to look at him now, "Something seems to bother you." 

//It's you.  
I love you// 

Gojyo took another smoke and clicked open his lighter. He inhaled deeply. Maybe he could just forget about everything. Forget about the smile, forget about the green eyes. Maybe then he would stop wishing. 

"No, not really." 

Hakkai gave him a searching look. He wasn't a fool. But he was as understanding as always, never one to intrude other people's privacy. That's why he nodded. He understood. 

"Maybe I am bothering you?" he asked politely. "Should I go inside?" 

Gojyo reflectively grabbed Hakkai's arm, "No!" 

Hakkai raised his eyebrows. He was a bit surprised by Gojyo's over reaction. But he didn't say anything. He merely looked at Gojyo questioningly. 

"I mean," Gojyo let go of his grip and suddenly felt very stupid. "I mean, you're not bothering me." 

"Do you want me to stay?" 

Gojyo looked into a pair of Hakkai's green eyes, searching for some answers. He tried to find a hope even if only a flicker. He tried to find something in those green eyes. Even if it's only the faintest of a hint. Even if it's only the fakest of a hint... 

//Yes, I want you to stay.  
I want you// 

"Yes," Gojyo answered. 

And so Hakkai stayed there, inhaling the nicotine infected smoke of Gojyo's cigarette and they were silent for some moments. 

And then the silence became too quiet. Gojyo couldn't bear it anymore. Quietness made him mad inside. The voices in his head became too loud if he wasn't talking. He was afraid that he would eventually say them out loud. 

//I love you// 

He tried so hard not to say it. 

He braced himself not to say it. 

He was so afraid to say it. 

"Hakkai, I...," he began. 

And when Hakkai turned to look at him in the eyes, he faltered. What were the chances of Hakkai returning his feeling? 

Hakkai looked at him patiently, waiting for him to finish his sentence but didn't say anything. There was something strange radiating from his eyes. A faint trace of sadness, it wasn't obvious but Gojyo could see it was there. Maybe Hakkai knew what he was going to say. 

Maybe he knew... 

The very thought made Gojyo's heart almost came to a stop. 

Hakkai gave him a brief smile, stood up and brushed the imaginary dust off his sleeping clothes. 

"I'm sorry, I'm going inside now. Are you coming?" 

So that was it then, Gojyo thought. 

It was as good as an answer that he could ever get from the green eyed youkai. He felt as if he lost a battle that hadn't even started. 

Gojyo didn't try to stop him this time. He felt so tired suddenly. 

"Ah, maybe a bit later." 

Hakkai tapped Gojyo's shoulder and nodded, "Good night, then." 

He felt like his life had been drained completely off him. He had never felt so lonely, so out of place. 

It's not that he minded being alone. He had been alone all along. It's just that he thought sometimes it would nice to have a special someone by his side, especially on a night like this. 

It's just that sometimes Gojyo thought it would be nice to have his wish granted for once. Even if it's only a fool's wish. 

He stared at Hakkai's retreating back longingly. 

"I love you," he finally whispered it to the passing wind. 

And he felt so lonely. 

==== End ==== 


End file.
